Here I am, sitting on my chair at 6:05AM in the morning,
already dressed in my pinafore with my hair all nicely tied up. Yesterday night was unproductive, things just didn't go the way I wanted them to. Found out some stuff that made me terribly disappointed. Disappointed in who? Or rather, what. Me included. But then Daddy gave me this jar of M&Ms which said "Hannah, you're our winner! -Mom and Dad" which makes me wanna cry and feel all mushy inside. This morning I woke up and I remembered seeing you in my dream. Don't know about what and why. Suddenly remembered today was my last photo taking in PL and got really excited. Then I thought about SAJC's open house tmrw with my JC kids and got even more excited. Then this thought came into my mind, as though someone was speaking to me "Why are you feeling so excited? You didn't even study hard yesterday, how can you feel so happy?" My mood changed and I felt annoyed for nothing, started frowning and sulking throughout my morning routines. Don't know how to be genuinely happy anymore, I wonder if this is even healthy.
God, carry me on Your back.
Take me away.
Went out with these two today after their Homecoming Service in PL and my English lessons in the morning :) It was a really good break, away from my usual muggings on Saturdays. I had real fun catching up with both of them and having heart 2 heart sessions :) PLPB is definitely not the same without them and I'm glad I met up with them today :)
So anyway I came home and did my usual skipping and decided not have dinner after that cos I wasn't hungryyyy. Ended up feeling really tired so I slept from 8-10PM and woke up to study Geog. It's currently 1AM now and I feel like burning my Pearson Longman TB because it's freaking wordy. Have I mentioned how much I love Friday and Saturday nights? Because I can stay up to study listening to my itunes. It allows me to shut myself out from the world for just a while.
Week 5's approaching and I can't believe 4 weeks have passed by. Soon it'll be the release of Chinese O levels results, Eng O level oral, Prelims and then O's. Actually, I don't mind pacing myself and doing real bad for Prelims. As long as I'm ready for O's, right? Hmm.
This is a boring post, bai.
Seeing you today made me feel like my heart was being ripped open. One week of pulling myself together and closing the wound went down the drain, just like that. I thought I was okay but I guess I'm not strong enough. I broke down after service and I don't know why endless streams of tears started to trickle down my cheeks. I wasn't even thinking but I know my heart hurt. I just kept praying and praying and asked Him what I should do, and to take it away. God brought me Best and she walked over. The greatest feeling of all is to cry in your best friend's arms. She knew exactly the things I was crying about and she just hugged me and let me sob on her shirt. I tried to talk to her but I didn't know what to say. Then she whispered to me "It's not your fault okay?" "This is the last lap already, you really want this right? Don't give up k."
To think I distanced myself away from her the entire week because of you just makes me sad. This morning, I was so transparent and vulnerable in front of her and I'm really comforted to know that my best friend's here for me, loving me the way that I was despite how shitty I looked with my welled up eyes and mucus all over my face. For once, I feel happy because I know that there will always be that one person who I can truly believe and trust in and she won't ever hurt me the way you did. I love you Valery.
But despite all these, God told me to trust and love you unconditionally. As ironic as this sounds, I'm going to obey Him and do just that. It sounds loserish to want to cling onto something after what has happened, but if this honours Him then I don't mind being a fool for Christ. Hopefully one day you will come back and you'd learn how to enjoy our friendship again. I don't know when it would be, maybe never.
But I guess I just have to wait on Him.